cigarestless

by leor miller

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1.
2.
3.
02:30
4.
5.
6.
01:35

about

recorded in dorm rooms at bard college, my basement in evanston, the metra somewhere between downtown and central street.

credits

released November 11, 2015

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all rights reserved

about

leor miller Annandale On Hudson, New York

part time person, full time pop girl from evanston, illinois going to bard college

she/her

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Track Name: can i borrow yr brain?
please help me understand
the things
that i can't see,
this entire world
is so
frustrating.
i can't make sense
of anything
in time
for it to be relevant.

i can't control myself
i can't
control my dreams,
i get so confused
by
the simplest things.
nothing's making sense
and i
just want
to be
invisible.

i can't control myself.
please help me understand.
Track Name: church street bridge
underneath the church street bridge
on a cold september morning.
i was wondering if the cops would come down,
if we were being too loud.
i shook at the knees,
watched the street from underneath.
you pissed in the water,
i came down and joined you.
we made our way on,
even with you i felt alone.
we walked, but we never got home.
we just returned to our own bedrooms.
Track Name: cigarestless
restless and cigarette-less,
i don't think it'll ever be different.
this wasn't made for you,
you weren't made for this.
i don't think it'll ever be different.

i've got no sense of ownership,
a leash without a thing at the end of it.
a leash with myself at the end of it.
sometimes i take myself out for walks,
sometimes i stop to smell the air,
and then continue without direction.

restless and cigarette-less,
i don't think it'll ever be different.
Track Name: the same streets i drive down every day
better bridges leave me in waist-high water.
life is bringing blow-driers into a morning shower.
it's burning a cigarette at both ends,
it's your lips locked in another's, equally singed.
it's 2 pm and i've been restless since i started
feeling everything.
it's making plans years in advance because
it's already next week.
it's passing by every photograph i could've taken.
it's another melancholy empty pack that i keep shaking
it's ten dollars, in all quarters.
it's singles i find on the street.
it's a twenty-dollar paycheck because i get scheduled every three weeks.
it's the same shit i smoked yesterday,
it's the same streets i drive down
every day
it's the dry saliva on my tongue that won't go away.
it's the muscles in my jaw that always feel tight.
it's the simplest parts of living that make me feel the least alright.
it's all the things i don't know i can ever do
it's how it feels like everyone's watching you
it's.
it's all starting to feel the same, i'm developing routines.
i keep driving, but i never get
where
i want.
Track Name: weekends at home
i've been getting high and living through the internet,
falling out of giant chairs in my basement.
throwing up in alleys behind my friends' house
and just like drying laundry,
you are leaving me out(side).

i've been driving circles
around evanston, myself, and my room.
no idea where i'm going,
no plans any time soon.
going back to school after the weekend,
i've got no feelings left to use here.
Track Name: the way
do you hate the way it tastes?
the way it trickles down your throat
and makes your body shake.
the way
my hands tremble in the morning,
i wake
and bathe
in the darkness of the effort it takes.
used to the feeling, still can't handle the weight.
i need rest but can't commit to the work
it takes.