Eating mushrooms in my crown of thorns, pacing about the apartment floor, find a new self in the bathroom mirror, I got too high just to find that fear. You never felt this way, my queen, reminds me of being seventeen. Just this strange sense of restlessness and I feel like a fucking pessimist, laughing… Stuck in a cacophony of birds, try to harmonize, can’t find the thirds. I duck inside a magazine but it’s filled with words that I can’t read. I never felt so strange before, they’re staring at me through the door. I pick myself up and I try to leave but their piercing laughter follows me.

We don’t fuck, but I give birth to myself in your truck. It don’t hurt too much but I’m concerned about you losing your lunch. You pass by and say, “Last season was impossibly dry, and those deer just keep on making me swerve while I steer.” I walk, but it feels like I float when I talk. It’s so strange how the spirit leaves the form like a cage. There’s no pain, psychic connection ‘tween myself and the rain. I get soaked right through, feel that bliss when I am one with you.

You went out pretty far, forgot about what you are. Found it again in the car, driving out. Reach out to touch a formless shape, a lost place from where you came, a body attached to your name, a meaning that will always change as soon as you grasp it, watch as it slips. I am not moving on a line, I am not moving towards a singular, static state of fateful Truth. We cling to consistency because we fear the unknown, we fear ourselves, who and what we might become. What boredom to live in fear, at least in this sort of fear. A banal fear, cowering toothless, a limitation. Often, I am paralyzed by it. I see maps. I see forked roads, consequences, I see potential, and in my deterministic state become petrified. Each decision marks a road and blocks another, one I may well regret not turning onto. This road I follow may spin me out of control, into a ditch or oblivion, I should have chosen differently. I should have been someone else, something better, at least different. Even if I feel strongly, every decision is made with a twinge of some speculative regret. But the road is not forked, I do not destroy possibilities with decision. The road is a hydra. One head is lopped off and another springs back up in its place. But it is even more shapeless and decentralized than a hydra. When the path is chosen, another does not so much disappear as it is reconstituted: seen through fresh eyes, the eyes of the Not-I, the me in the next-me, it becomes something new. I do not cut off a head at all, I grow others, sometimes not even heads but limbs, genitals, other extremities, something inhuman, extra-human, but human nonetheless. It’s impossible to live without regret, but at least it is possible to reframe the process of decision. There isn’t an option of return, but there are options of reflection, reorientation. In the process of decision, with every choice, I become something new. I am expanding. I reinterpret, revisit, reimagine. I am the All we all are.

You are, you are, you are, I am. You want, you want, you want freedom.

Don’t think I can explain it, you’re just gonna have to see it. I don’t want you to miss it, it dissipates in what feels like seconds. Don’t think I can explain it, sitting back in ecstatic terror. Faces come forth to greet me, it’s like being inside a mirror. I see things so different. They’re doing things that I never thought of, clapping cymbals in circles as my hips just gyrate in rhythm. Sweating, shaky, and drifting, I am lost in an endless pattern. The universe isn’t silent, it’s a collection of shrieking matter. Don’t think I can explain it, sitting back in ecstatic terror. The universe isn’t silent, it’s a collection of shrieking matter.

Marijuana goldmine, wishing that I had time to buy a giant building and some giant growlights. Knowing I won’t achieve that, I can still believe that I will get my weed from anywhere I can these days. Marijuana big head, stuck inside my big bed. I don’t wanna leave it cuz I know the world is large and unrelenting. Problems are presenting solutions in the form of hollow shapes ascending. Marijuana goldmine, wishing that I had time to do everything that I wanted in my whole life. I know I won’t achieve that, but I can still believe that I will get my weed from anyone I can these days.

I watch the sunrise on the apocalypse plains and I’ll do it over and over again. If you want, I’ll come back to get you. Trudge through amber fields in the toxic rain. What I want is on an untouchable planet– a tangible plan, if only it were. I watch the snow fall and roll back over in anguish, feel the flakes beat one by one on my head. Go for a long walk and then a swim in the ocean, use calamine lotion to soothe my chemical rash. If you look close, you’ll see parasitic invasions pulsing odd shapes on my retinal lens. I blink a few times to disappear the disturbance, rub my eyes and step out in the street. The air is heavy with the smell of sulfur, but I get by with your sterile kiss on my cheek. Gasoline and the chemical sky, I inhale deeply as you look in my eyes. Gasoline and the chemical sky, I inhale deeply and the fumes get me high.

If there was no guilt, if there was no shame, if that game was good, then I’d play that game. No existential fear, no anxiety, no abstract space dividing you and me. We’d be between the earth and the astral plane. Meet me between the earth and the ocean of being. Playing between the swinging swings of the swinging tree and I believe in everything.

I don't wanna break my heart, I don't wanna hold me down, I don't waste my time, I don't wanna wait around. I don't wanna waste my time as another casualty of society I want out of this life. I want out of this time, I want eternal bliss now, I want out, I want out. I want out, I'm like a baby. I want out, I'm like a baby. And nothing hurts this much but the tail of love. And I get that rush of the tender touch of liberation liberation liberation liberation. And I don't wanna waste my life, can't another hold me down, I don't wanna change my mind just to get around. I don't wanna waste that time if we can get what we want and let others do what they really ought to. We need freedom We need freedom We need…

I think I'm lost, I think I've found the only thing worth giving. I think I'm strange, I think I'm straining. I know a lot but I can't name what's missing. When I do, I'll go. I want to know: Where do I go? When do I know? I found a hole beside the strongest memories in my head. I follow. There are things I can't understand but still see. I don't need to know, but there's an itch inside my stomach when I get so close I can almost taste the sacred mystery of yes or no but do not know. Have not a care, I do not watch the universe shrink in time. I do not stare, the image is burned into the back of my mind. I know I like but I can't pinpoint what I like about it. I do not know. Unstructured thoughts I can't put myself inside of. I do want not. Make up a phrase and form some silly sentence. I do not know, I just approximate the effort needed.

You and I, sinking into the blue. I don’t know where I’m going, I don’t know what to do. But I’m getting by, Feeling so high, You and I are gonna find the truth. One day you and I’ll become one from two. Stripping the bark, sipping the root, You and I will become the truth. You pick the one that bruises blue. Can’t be satisfied till you realize… There’s something here much bigger than you There’s something here much bigger than me. It’s in the eyes of everyone I meet, ‘Cuz I am you and you are me, It fills all the spaces in between. There’s something here much bigger than me, There’s something here much bigger than you. Can’t be satisfied till you realize… There’s something here much bigger than you.